


old habits are hard to break

by saltyparabolasholtzmann



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Depression, M/M, Social Anxiety, Suicidal Thoughts, Therapy, also jared isn't an asshole, and connor and jared love books, it's really really sad..., slow burn as usual but it'll get there, sorry in advance
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-08-01
Updated: 2017-09-12
Packaged: 2018-12-09 09:19:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,010
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11666202
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/saltyparabolasholtzmann/pseuds/saltyparabolasholtzmann
Summary: The way Connor looked at the kid next to him could have been interpreted as nice, or even friendly.Too bad Evan didn't exactly notice.Aka a story in which Connor throws a printer, and the effects show up ten years later.





	1. one good day

**Author's Note:**

> Hi everyone! This is my first time writing for the DEH fandom, so I hope you enjoy! Tags will be updated as the story continues, please let me know if I missed anything! :)
> 
> In case you didn't see the tags, this does include mentions of suicidal thoughts, depression, social anxiety, and therapy. 
> 
> Take care of yourselves, and I hope this story can help, if you need it!
> 
> ps small-bisexual-disaster on tumblr if you have thoughts!

Evan wasn’t really sure what the point of all this writing was.

_Dear Evan Hansen,  
Today is going to be so fucking terrible._

_Sincerely,_

Instead of signing his name, he just slammed the notebook shut (he’d forgotten to charge his laptop, _again_ ) and crawled back into bed. School could wait. Not like there was anyone or anything depending on him today.

Which wasn’t a good feeling. Sure, it was supposed to relieve him of any anxiety, or whatever, but the knowledge that no one was ever going to save him a seat in class, or ask him to eat lunch, or even smile at him in the hallway, was too depressing a thought for Evan to handle on the first day of school.

Things weren’t going to be any different. In fact, they’d probably be worse.

As if on cue, his mom knocked on the door.

He didn’t bother getting up, or trying to hide what he felt. He just laid there until he heard her open the door slowly.

“Evan?” She frowned and sat at the foot of the bed. “What’s wrong, honey?”

Evan groaned. Not today. Not ever, if he was lucky enough to melt into the bed and disappear completely.

No such luck.

Heidi Hansen was a lot of things, but her persistence was a force to be reckoned with.

So Evan got up, after gentle cajoling from his mother. He sat on the bed, fiddling with a stray button on his shirt. His mom coughed, and Evan looked up.

“W-What?” He sounded irritated, which was so not the impression his mom needed to have right now.

She tried not to look hurt, and smiled nervously at Evan.

“First day of classes! Senior year!” The smile was met with blank stares from Evan.

Knowing that he was losing the battle before it had even started, he tried to smile.

“Yep.”

Satisfied with a response, Heidi left Evan to his thoughts and Evan tried to ignore the sinking feeling in his stomach.

Senior year. He got up, awkwardly ran a comb through his hair, which was growing just a little too long for his liking, laced up the same pair of shoes he wore every day, and trudged into the living room.

His mom was standing there, a sack lunch in hand with Evan’s name written on it, complete with a smiley face.

He was going to throw up.

But before that happened, he had to get out the door.

“Thanks, mom.” Heidi grimaced, and so did Evan, and the two just stood there, both unsure of what to say to make the situation better.

“Have a good day!” Heidi called as Evan shut the front door.

The likelihood of that happening was essentially zero.

Not completely zero, though, Evan’s brain reminded him.

_Way to go, positive thinking._

He tried again. Something positive.

_At least you have a broken arm. That’s good, right?_

He boarded the school bus, again trying to conjure up the ability to just disappear.

Why was his luck so terrible?

***

Connor was not having a good day. He couldn’t remember what even happened to qualify a day as “good”.

Probably the absence of suicidal thoughts. That was what his therapist had said the last time they met.

That hadn’t been a good day.

His parents were still under the impression that he was going to graduate with the rest of his high school class, but Connor knew realistically that he would need a miracle to even be alive at the end of this year.

He laughed. According to his therapist’s standards, he could officially classify today as terrible.

After ignoring both of his parents to come down for breakfast, his sister Zoe barged in.

“Are we seriously doing this again?”

Connor opened one eye from where he was still sitting on the floor.

“Doing what?”

Zoe sighed. “Do I have to act like you’re a baby instead of my older brother?” With that, she turned and left, ending what barely counted as a conversation.

Even though it was the first time she had spoken to him in weeks.

Seeing as his options were either get yelled at in his room, hungry, or get yelled at downstairs where he could at least be eating to avoid saying something rude, he chose to join his parents and Zoe.

As he entered the dining room, he saw his mother get up and leave.

Zoe wasn’t here.

So it was him and his dad.

 _Fucking awesome_ , he thought.

Before he had the chance to say anything stupid, Larry thrust a piece of paper into Connor’s hands, grabbed his briefcase, and left the house without so much as a goodbye.

Connor unfolded the paper, figuring it was just another way for his parents to tell him that he was the absolute opposite of what they wanted in a son.

Surprise.

It wasn’t.

It was worse, if that was possible.

***

The ride to school was just like he remembered it, a couple faces he recognized, but mostly strangers, and there was absolutely no one who would recognize him. Jared didn’t ride the bus, opting to drive what was quite possibly the ugliest car Evan had ever seen.

But, Evan had to concede, it was better than this yellow nightmare.

Anything, he thought, was better than having to be alone every waking moment, except for the company of his mother, his therapist, and Jared, his “friend”.

So, one broken arm later, he was still in the same situation as last year. Stupid to think that any of that would have changed just because of a sad looking cast covering up his left arm. 

Sympathy, or something like that, wasn’t yet popular in his high school.

Neither was anything Evan did, or tried to do. He stuttered his way through every presentation, the only reason he was still here being that his anxiety wouldn’t let him just drop off the face of the planet.

In a way, it was good that no one was friends with him. It was good that he never had to talk, because if he did nothing, if he just...existed, he wouldn’t stand out.

Or get made fun of.

If someone tried to talk to him, or even sat down in his bus seat, Evan was convinced that he would lose it.

His palms started to sweat just thinking about it.

***

_We love you. Please try and have a better year than the last one._

This was so cute, Connor thought. His parents were now making an attempt to understand him? 

Yeah right. He kept reading.

 _We took your phone, your laptop, and your car keys. Your father and I have agreed that it would be best for you to spend some time alone, reflecting._

So they had talked to his therapist.

As if he needed more time alone. It was difficult enough being cut off from everyone at school, but now he wouldn’t be able to go home and find solace online.

Wasn't there some rule about, like, not sharing your patient's issues to everyone?

Parents who cared were so damn difficult sometimes. Especially if they only cared on the surface.

Figuring that the rest of the letter was more of the same, Connor crumpled the paper and tossed it into the trash.

There was nothing left for him here.

But because old habits are hard to break, he decided to get on the bus one last time.

For nostalgia.

Yeah right.

***

Evan’s palms were now disgusting, and there wasn’t much he could do about it.

He tried to ignore the fact that the bus had stopped again. The drive to school was the longest 10 minutes of his life.

So when someone sat down next to him, he didn’t even have to look before passing out.

***

Connor turned to his right, prepared to say “hi” before he could be gawked at.

The kid was unconscious.

 _Oh my god_ , Connor thought.

Am I really that terrible that people are now faking head trauma?

Apparently so.


	2. thank you jared kleinman

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ok guys writer's block sucks but I'm back
> 
> also I love Jared Kleinman so he's not as much of an asshole in this fic, but you bet he, Connor and Evan have history...
> 
> (no tw for this chapter btw)

Evan Hansen had been rendered unconscious before.

Second grade.

Someone threw a printer at his teacher and missed. Badly.

Since he was knocked unconscious, and no one except Jared talked to him, he had never found out who that person was.

Or if they were still at school with him. He figured it wasn’t likely, as ten whole years had passed. The kid was probably throwing different things now, maybe they had joined a circus…

However, as Evan was unconscious yet again, he wasn’t thinking about any of these things.

***

Connor was.

After trying to come up with something funny to say (to conceal the fact that he did have feelings, and this whole faking unconscious thing was super inconsiderate), he took a better look at the person next to him.

As if this day couldn’t get any better.

Evan Hansen. Aka, the unfortunate recipient of a printer to the head just about ten years ago.

Given that bit of information, it made more sense that Connor Murphy would be the cause of Evan’s unconscious state again. And that he definitely wasn’t faking it.

Since Connor wasn’t great at conversation, and there weren’t any adults on the bus (save the driver), he tried to remember what he had learned in that stupid eighth grade health class where every day was some fresh hell about hormones and sex and puberty.

_Think._

He made sure Evan was still breathing (which he was, good), and waited for the bus to arrive at the school entrance.

***

There were hands on Evan’s head.

Hands belonging to the person who was still next to him, on the bus.

“Hey, um, sorry?” A voice came from his left, and he turned.

“Um, oh my god I totally passed out on you d-d-didn’t I?” Evan turned purple and tried to remember to breathe.

“Um. Yeah, I think so.”

Evan stood up, or tried to, before collapsing back onto the seat.

The hands were back, this time on his shoulder.

And his arm.

Thankfully, at this moment the bus driver turned around.

“You two getting off or what?”

This guy (who Evan had seen maybe once before, name started with a C?), helped Evan up and off the bus.

Evan, not wanting to deal with anymore embarrassment, and being late to first hour, rushed off as fast as he could.

It wasn’t quite fast enough, but it worked.

***

Connor didn’t move.

No way he could go to class now. First, he was already late, so what was the point there? Second, if he saw Evan Hansen again today he might throw another printer.

How could he have been so stupid? To think that he could get through another year without making any friends, any mistakes.

He couldn’t.

So he left campus, heading downtown for a distraction.

The bookstore was a nice change from reality. It was warm, and it didn’t smell like people, and no one could bother him about any and all of his “disappointing attributes”.

Meaning, his failures.

Of which there was a significant list.

He settled in, content to spend the next couple of hours doing nothing but living somewhere else.

***

All eyes hit the door with laser like precision when Evan walked in.

He stared at his arm.

The emptiness of the cast was so overwhelming.

He sat down, drowning out the lecture that hadn’t stopped at the front of the classroom.

He couldn’t stop thinking about that morning.

He had remembered the kid’s name, Connor Murphy. Brother to the prettiest, most intelligent, and most talented girl in school.

Zoe Murphy.

The last time he had talked to her was second grade.

After that stupid printer knocked him out.

She was so nice, and she kept apologizing, but Evan couldn’t remember what for.

Side effect of the head trauma, he figured.

***

“Hey man, not trying to be weird or anything but you alright? It's been...6 hours?”

Connor looked up into the face of Jared Kleinman.

Wasn't the worst thing in the world, and Connor was feeling almost kind.

“Kleinman, right?”

Jared, upon recognizing Connor’s voice, took exactly ten steps back.

“Ah shit Murphy I'm sorry. Didn't mean to disturb you or anything.”

Jared left awkwardly, trying to hide the stupid blush on his face.

 _What the hell was that?_ Connor thought. He was pretty sure they hadn’t talked since elementary school but it wasn’t like Connor’s vibe was entirely unwelcoming. He was surrounded by books, for fuck’s sake.

He wasn’t threatening. He was just reading.

***

Evan’s phone buzzed.

**from: Kleinman**

**hey guess who I ran into today**

Evan had no idea.

**umm idk my mom?**

**from: Kleinman**

**...no? connor murphy. and he didn’t throw a printer at me or anything**

Evan almost dropped his phone.

Correction: he dropped his phone.

_Connor Murphy threw the printer?_

He typed a response.

**jared?? Connor threw a printer?**

Hitting send, he sat down in front of the school and waited for a response.

***

This was bad.

Jared liked Evan. As far as friends go, he wasn't terrible. But he had just told the kid who had horrible anxiety that the guy who threw a printer at him ten years ago was still here.

At their school.

He read Evan’s text.

**from: acorn**

**jared?? Connor threw a printer?**

**at me?**

**hyw ddnt u tell me**

**…**

**he goes here!!!**

Finally, Evan seemed to have run out of words.

So Jared texted back.

**He didn’t mean to hit u.**

**But I mean you're fine right it doesn't matter anymore ??**

***

 _Yeah_ , Evan thought.

_It definitely matters._

**i passed out on him this mornjfn**

**fuck**

**i’m a freak already omggg**

**from: Kleinman**

**...well then**

**that makes things worse**

**Evan you’re not a freak!!!**

Evan read the texts but didn't respond. He thought.

1\. Connor Murphy threw a printer at him.  
2\. Jared knew.  
3\. And didn’t tell him.  
4\. And now Connor probably thought he was crazy and prone to passing out (which he wasn’t) and now school was gonna be even worse bc he couldn't even trust Jared??

This was so bad.

***

It was dark outside.

Connor had decided to leave the bookstore when he heard the manager ask Jared _why the hell he had let someone sit here all day without buying anything_.

So now he was outside, and the memories of that morning came rushing back full force. He didn’t even know Evan. Just another anxious kid. That he hit with a printer ten years ago. So why was he still thinking about it?

But the whole thing with Jared was bothering him more. The way Jared looked at him when he saw who it was. As if he didn’t get enough of that look at home. His family was so scared that he would just explode and destroy everything in his path. Seeing their disappointment was enough to keep him away most nights.

But Jared didn’t know about that so why was he looking so strangely at Connor?

He continued to walk home, resolving to actually try and sleep, for once.

***

This wasn’t the worst day in Jared’s life, but it was certainly one of the weirdest. First, he ditches school to pick up an extra shift in the bookstore, then he runs into Connor Murphy, who acts like they don’t have any sort of history, nope.

Nothing at all.

He sighed and unlocked his bike from the railing behind the store. 

Not to mention he’s now responsible for ruining Evan’s already depressing life.

 _That’s probably the worst part of this whole thing_ , he decided.

The fact that he was personally responsible for making Evan more miserable than he already was. 

_But it was Connor’s fault, too_ , his brain reminded him.

Connor’s fault that he knew Jared and Evan were “friends”, Connor’s fault to make Jared promise that he wouldn’t tell Evan about the stupid printer.

And because Jared wasn’t a complete asshole (and it was the second grade), he agreed.

Evan wasn’t supposed to know.

But now he did, and Connor was about to find out.

So yeah, it was a weird day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks for reading! :) it makes me so happy! 
> 
> and have an awesome week!
> 
> ps small-bisexual-disaster on tumblr if you have thoughts!


	3. kind of awkward

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw: anxiety, mild panic attack, suicide mention, "crazy" used to describe someone

Evan didn’t normally enjoy school, but for some reason, he wasn’t dreading it as much today.

He knew it was going to suck, but he wouldn’t have to talk to Jared...or Connor. Since he was so angry at both of them.

Or at least he was trying to be.

He was mostly just confused. As to why Jared never told him about Connor...he didn’t see the point in keeping it a secret. What was Evan going to do, fight the kid who was already way taller and ridiculously intimidating?

_Yeah right. He didn’t tell you because he knew you were in love with Zoe Murphy and that would have been a real disappointment, to realize her crazy brother almost killed you._

Evan wasn’t totally convinced, but he left the house, trying to prepare for whatever was about to happen.

***

When Jared confronted Connor in the hall the next day, it was pretty clear that something bad had happened.

“So, um…” Jared started. “I told Evan about the thing.”

Connor stared at him.

“Get out of my face, Kleinman.”

“No, seriously. I told him about the thing.”

Connor wasn’t mad before, but he had tried to sleep with absolutely no success and then missed the bus and had to walk to school.

“I don’t know what the fuck you’re talking about but I really don’t want to start my day with a suspension for breaking your nose.”

At this, Jared frowned but didn’t make any move back.

“You seriously don’t remember?”

An additional side effect of not sleeping was not having the energy to fight back. Connor sighed.

“Remember what?”

Jared seemed to shrink. “Second grade. You, uh, made me promise to not tell Evan about the whole...thing?”

Connor grinned. It wasn’t exactly pleasant.

“You kept that secret? Jesus, Kleinman. I figured you would have told him the next day.”

***

_Connor wasn’t mad at him._

_Connor wasn’t even laughing at him._

_He was just making a face..._ Jared couldn’t tell if he was trying to smile or not.

“Um, no. I didn’t tell him until last night when he texted me about you…”

Jared cringed. Poor Evan was going to freak out if he saw this conversation happening.

But he was talking to Connor Murphy, and just trying to focus on that was taking enough effort.

***

Connor’s mind was going faster than he had thought possible on a Tuesday morning.

_Evan Hansen had texted Jared about him?_

He wanted to ask what it was that Evan said once he found out about the whole printer thing, but, ever the stoner stereotype, tried to play it cool.

“He told you about his whole anxiety faint, did he?”

It was at that moment that Evan happened to walk in the building.

 _Anxiety faint_ were the only two words that mattered to Evan.

Yet again, he was the butt of some joke.

And it was between Connor Murphy and Jared Kleinman.

He ducked into the closest bathroom before either of them saw and tried to clear his head.

1\. He had no friends.  
2\. Jared thought he was an idiot.  
3\. And apparently, so did Connor, who had been almost nice to him on the bus.

He started shaking and tried to remember what his therapist had told him. Deep breaths. Don’t focus on the fact that your best (only?) friend was laughing about you with Connor Murphy.

“Shit. Didn’t think you were here.”

***

Connor was standing in front of the saddest mess he had ever seen.

Evan Hansen had turned a color that Connor couldn’t even describe. And he was hunched on the floor of the bathroom shaking like a leaf.

“Um. The floor is super gross I wouldn’t sit down there.” He wasn’t great with words in general, but comforting people was really not Connor’s strong suit.

Evan only burrowed deeper into his hoodie, which was incredibly awkward considering his cast was stuck out at an odd angle.

And so, Connor sat down next to him, germs be damned.

“Why...still here?” Connor couldn’t quite hear since Evan was still buried in his jacket, but he still took a second before answering.

_Why was he here?_

He had ruined this poor kid’s life and at the rate things were going, it didn’t look like that was about to change.

“I’m ditching class.” _Smooth._

***

 _Oh._ Evan thought. _Right. He isn’t here because of me._

_He thinks I’m an idiot._

Conscious that he was taking way too long to answer, Evan struggled to say something.

“You hit me um like ten years ago I think and n-now you uh think I’m an idiot so why were you even nice to me yesterday?”

_Smooth._

“I didn’t hit you on purpose!” Connor was actually surprised. Evan thought he had a personal vendetta against him in second grade?

“Ohmygosh no I know that but like I’m so...weird and annoying and no one has ever sat by me on the bus so I just freaked out and it was you and you’re kind of…” He trailed off and slowly sat up straight.

***

_Kind of what?_

_Kind of terrifying. Kind of crazy. Kind of not the type of person you’d ever want to be alone with._

He answered lamely.

“To be fair, it was the last seat on the bus.”

Wow. He was really great at this whole talking thing.

Evan, in turn, didn’t say anything and turned a different shade of red.

And Connor, still somewhat bewildered at the whole situation, just sat there.

Leaving meant abandoning Evan.

And, for some reason, Connor didn’t think he could do that.

Germs be damned.

“So, um, are you mad? Like...at me?”

Connor had been staring at the floor, but he raised his gaze to Evan’s tear stained face.

It broke his heart. Here they were, an asshole and this...well, Connor couldn’t really describe Evan. He was obviously smart, but so, so, lonely.

 _That makes two of us_ , Connor realized.

_Maybe they could help each other._

***

 _Was he mad?_ It was a stupid thing to be mad about, considering that Connor was still sitting here, with him.

“No, I guess. I mean...maybe. Should I be?”

He looked up and Connor was staring at him. 

Evan wasn’t really sure how to react. The guy was still here, and it didn’t look like he was going anywhere, at that.

He waited for Connor to respond, but he had shifted his gaze from Evan’s face back to the floor.

***

_What kind of a question is that?_

Should Evan be mad at him...Connor wanted to say yes. Yes because his family was always mad at him for no reason so Evan might as well join the club. But he didn’t say that.

“I don’t think so...I didn’t think you were there when Jared and I were, ya know…” He stopped, nervous at what Evan’s response would be.

“Well obviously, or you wouldn’t have said it.” Evan snapped back at him.

 _This is going so well_ , Connor smiled.

“Wow, I didn’t realize you actually had that much emotion in your body.”

At this, Evan curled back up into his hoodie and said something, but Connor couldn’t quite tell what.

He tried again.

“I’m sorry, I’m not that great with words...what I meant was that uh, I understand, my anxiety and all is really terrible and I want to die basically 24/7 and I shouldn’t have made fun of you and I’m uh actually really sorry so...maybe we could try and be friends?”

It wasn’t quite a love letter, but it was pretty damn close. Connor blushed and started to stand up, anxious to leave the situation.

***

_Connor Murphy, resident stoner, just asked me to be friends?_

Evan didn’t remember the last time he had more than one friend.

“Um. I guess.”

And, hearing those words, Connor looked up with such gratitude that it made Evan almost comfortable with the decision.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks for reading!! :) I've got some ideas so we'll see how it goes!!
> 
> tumblr: small-bisexual-disaster
> 
> feel free to comment, leave kudos, subscribe, it makes my day (literally I'm a ball of stress bc school help)!! have a rad week!


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